Oreos of Omission

I’ve been doing quite a bit of introspection over the past two weeks. I’ve come to a lot of conclusions about why I am the way I am and why I do certain things. It’s been very interesting.

One of the things I’ve noticed is that I am extremely hard on and very competitive with myself. I can be competitive with others, sure! But when it comes to me, myself, and I.. the three can have quite a fight. I’ve noticed this in several areas of my life but it really clicked the other day when I was working out. I’ve been doing intervals on the elliptical- 4 minutes at 140-150 and then a minute at 170-180.. then repeat for 30 minutes. I stare down the numbers during the 170-180 time and if at any point the number gets close to 172 I ramp it up because “I know I can do better than this!”

My boss said something about this a couple of months ago. He said that he would never have to yell at me about an issue, he would just have to tell me that he was disappointed and I would take care of the rest myself because I am so hard on myself. True story! I am extremely performance-driven and when I feel like I have done something bad or wrong… I am harder on myself than anyone else would ever be. I want people to be proud of me and the things that I do- so I work extra hard to keep from letting people down. If I feel I let someone down- I take it out on myself.

I wonder if relates to the fact that I’m also really bad about omission. I’ve never been a great liar.. I mean I can lie but I always end up giving myself away or telling the person that I lied. I just can’t stand it… and I don’t really see the point in being dishonest. If I know that I’ve done something bad, like lying, I can’t help but to tell that person. I hate having things hanging over my head like that. It inevitably breaks me down. Like this morning, for example- I told my personal trainer every bad thing I did yesterday including the 3 Oreos I ate. I didn’t have to and he probably would never have found out but the fact that I did it and I knew he would have been upset about that… I just couldn’t help it.

My mentor from college would probably say this was an absolute fact about me. Becky knows me better than any person on this planet… I am certain that she knows me better than I know myself. Whenever I was struggling with an issue- I just couldn’t stand it… I had to tell her that I did whatever it was. Many of my college friends know this is true too. I just can’t stand to hold things in.. it drives me crazy!
I mean, I want to be perfect but I might as well let everyone in on the secret that I’m no where near that. I guess this is just something that I've been thinking about today.. dang Oreos!

“Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. – Philippians 3:12-14